I have been inspired. I have been inspired by Courtney and Robin to do something I don't like. To do something that is scary. No, no needles are involved. The thing that makes my palms sweat is self-portraiture. Yep. It wasn't until I read Courtney's deep post that I realized I really am not totally over all the self image stuff I dealt with as a teen. While I'm no longer super self-conscious like I was back when I was younger and thinner, I'm still shy and unsure of myself. I'm old enough now that it didn't matter to me, until I thought of my daughter. I want her to realize that she is beautiful on the inside and the outside and that God made her the way she is intentionally. Why did I think that it was unreasonable or vain to think that way about myself? Since I have had kids, I have come into existence as a mother, but somewhere along the way I lost my pre-baby self. And I really didn't care.
What's more wonderful than being a mommy?
After four years, I'm starting to care. I need to care about me for them. I don't just mean eating reasonably well and trying to stay healthy. I need to teach them that it is okay to love yourself and think yourself beautiful. By doing that, you are acknowledging God's handiwork. I need to teach by example. I need to do this, and I am afraid. But I trust God to help me. And I trust friends to support me in this.
Not liking photos of one's self has been a family tradition. My great-grandmother would scratch herself out of photos whenever possible. My grandmother (her daughter-in-law) used to cut herself out of family photos. My mother avoids the "business end" of a camera like the plague. I suppose I have been learning this my whole life. All the more reason to correct it before I teach my daughter any more self-dislike.
Here is a photo of me I've never been fond of, but I'm trying to look at it in a new way.
So, be warned, self-portraits are to follow soon.